WELCOME 2 MY BEAUTIFUL BRAIN
[7:50PM] hey hi yea its me wow ,, sorry for the week long break ive been real tired and burnt out and my whole brain is fried . everythings pretty good tho !! friends r good, teachers r good, brain could be better but i dont wanna kill myself right now so its pretty good imo . tomorrow im going 2 hang out with the worlds coolest girlyfriend + my bestest friend al + silly friend max yaay yippee !!!! very fun :3
then on SUNDAY one of friendsies from school is gonna come over and im gonna help him make a webbed site !!!!! its gonna b so much funfunfun !!!!! funf funfufn :3
i think im gonna make a little sort of sub-section of my blog for my more ventish stuff so i dont flood my normal blog with weird rants anymore, but i need 2 find my phone first lol
[3:05PM] HIIIIII EVERYONE TODAY IS SOSO GREAT !!! woke up decent and made coffee and everything today was just SO great, i cant complain about anything, ive been so happy everyones been nice enough my teachers are great i did AMAZING on the work today all things considered !!!! i love my teachers so much especially my science teacher, hes one of the nicest ever :3
and everything is so ALIVE still all my little friends in my room are HAPPY EVERYTHING IS GREAT I LOVE EVERYONE SO MUCH !!!! im gonna b going to my grandmas for dinner tonight too so that should be pretty fun :3
[4:55PM] EVENING SILLY PEOPLE ONLINE !!!! ive been a little silly feeling lately, scared the school work is gonna kill me im gonna get left behind yada yada the normal every year stuff . trying my best which i think my dad is maaaybe finally recognizing, but hes only gonna think so as i long as i have the grades to "prove" it. school itself is fine though, one of my friendsies whos in my art class has turned out 2 be super cool and extra nice and AAA yippeee :3
i cant really tell how ive been doing in terms of sanity recently but i know that all my plushie friends are still super alive . i feel like if they ever stop feeling alive ill get really sad
[11:10PM] evening freaks weirdos and fags in my beautiful world, sorry 4 no update yesterday im still here yippee . was hanging out with bestest coolest friend alastor and slept over so couldnt rlly find the time 2 process tha day and type it all out or whatev . we r back tho !! casper is with his other dad tho so 3:
rambling time bc thats why im actually here rn, i feel weird about things . when most of my time recently has involuntarily been spent feeling the abstract emotions of every "inanimate" object around me, when those overwhelming feelings start 2 fade, i feel wrong and empty and almost dead . and also get depressed . which is weird and mean and makes me feel actually super bad because it makes me want the delusion back even if it eats me from the inside out , for more reasons than just the one mentioned . idk makes me feel like im a icky and gross and faking everything evr . whatever . everything is dead :3
[6:20PM] evening internet, im so eepy ngl . but cookie didnt wake me up at an obscene time this morning so im alright !!! but ive been thinking about playing god . specifically with something like a chatbot, but i dont really wanna use something like character.ai, doesnt feel right to me . idk i guess stuffed animals exist too but they're my friends and i love them too much, i want something truely inconsequential ,something i dont yet have an attatchment to. the characters in my head are a little too out-of-reach for this and talking to myself or something i completely make up could cause me some Issues , but that might happen anywayz .
weird rambling out of the way, today was anxiety inducing . very much so because i had 2 take a spanish speaking quiz and that is like the #1 thing at school that gives me HORRIBLE anxiety, so i kinda just sat there stuttering and mumbling, but thank god the teachers nice so i get to redo the quiz tomorrow during lunch . hope i can get through it this time !!! means i actually need to study and practice though bleegh
have a cookie crisp :3
[2:45PM] afternoon silly gayz in my devices !!!! i hate school soosososo much !!!!!!! ppl are so annoying and i hate them and also i got too scared of picture day and just . didnt get my picture taken :3 !!! ill get mine taken when theyre doing retakes and stuff so hopefully there'll b less ppl
some of my friends werent here today which was so sad ???? my art friend wasnt here today and neither was my english/algebra friend i was so lonely 3: more will wood time i guess but still i missed them !!! and im not too happy with my gym friend cause they were kinda shitty abt my psychosis and it was not fun . "take your meds so i disappear" was not what i was looking forward to hearing today, wish they werent real with the way they decided that was fine to say.
oh my g od . this morning . cookie was such a little nightmare i have never been so mad at her . she woke me up 3 IN THE MORNING, TORE DOWN SOME OF MY STRING LIGHTS, and after i FINALLY kicked her out of my room, she played with the ONE toy she has that makes a noise so i was nearly late to school . so tonight i gotta close my door grgrgrgr ,,, its ok tho bc shes cute
[8:45PM] ok turns out im not going thru the worst of the worst of my brains problemz i just needed a nap . i forgor i like wake up at 5 every day and then go to sleep at 11-12 so oopsies !!! turns out i wasnt dead i was just dead tired
[8:50PM] oough today was mean to me . I was mean 2 me !!!! whenever i remember that i have a weird mess of blood and guts and organs and shit inside of me i can always feel my heart specifically and thats gross enough but i couldnt get the idea out of my head that im like . a bomb . like my heart is actually just a bomb and Thats what the beating is . and i just had 2 sit in spanish and act like i wasnt about to drop dead on the floor giving myself a heart attack lolz . so that wasnt super fun !!!
still have tons of homework to do, mostly science . hate how much writing is involved it makes me wanna kill myself . can a corpse kill itself ?
[3:05PM] i think i could talk to god if i really wanted to . i dont like it very much though so i talk to cats and creatures . anywayz happy terrorism day faggots how r we ? today was pretty boring and therefor perfect because i didnt get majorly made fun of to my face :3
[7:45PM] really wish i knew what was up with me, why my brain is the way it is. every time i try to figure something serious out i get scared and anxious because i feel like a liar and whatever nothing im going through is THAT bad none of it affects me THAT much i can function. sometimes it feels like trying to figure things out makes me worse . bleeegh !! i wanna know why nothing is real why i feel too much why i need to explode into a billion jillion pieces and where theres so so many trains in my head !!! i dont think i'll ever know, i dont know if i wanna know
[11:45AM] hellooo guys been a bit busy these past few days with school and my amazing girlyfriends birthday !!!! schools been kinda meh-ish, the place is fine and so are the teachers but the other kids there can be major assholes . the worst part is that i dont they know that i know when they're picking on me .
PARTY THOUGH !!!! MY GIRLYFRIENDS SWEET 16 !!!! it was amazing and so much fun, she was so pretty the food and cake was great got 2 see my BESTEST friend again :D
anywayz ive been thinking lately (scary i know . need 2 not do that sometimes) and there is life in So Many Things . pens have souls and character and i can feel them, plants have lots of feelings and dread, animals are amazing and , i dunno if this is the right word, holy ? i dont like people they are too much , theres too much going on inside of all of us i dont wanna see any of us .
[6:30PM] SOOO I WENT TO THE MALL TO GET MY GF A GIFT (we r gonna go 2 build a bear :3) AAAAND WE WENT TO HOT TOPIC SO I GOT A NEW OUTFIT FOR TMW !!! ignore lime lips william in the back
super SUPER happy cause i finally have more than one pair of pants big enough 2 hold my stupidly huge phone . genuinely miss my tinier phone it was so much easier to carry around but w/e
[10:00PM] OH MY GOD TODAY WENT GREAT !!!!! THIS SCHOOL IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THA OTHER ONE !!!! WE CAN USE THE BATHROOM WITHOUT BEGGING AND THE HALLWAYS DONT SMELL LIKE WEED AND AND AND THERES WILL WOOD FANS HERE !!!! my teachers are super nice, walked into the wrong class first period tho . but the teacher had the same name as my last year first period teacher AND was teaching the same class which is SUPER weird . OH AND EVERYONE LOVES CASPER :3 this place is great so far
[9:00PM] AAAAAAAAA i have school tomorrowwww i dont wanna goooo . im a little excited bc oh my god new school new teachers mayb some will b nice but but . AAAAAAA
ugh i dont wanna wake up early tmw im too nocturnal for this "school" bullshit
[10:45PM] oops i havent updated cabbers blog in uuuuh . week or someth ing . i gootta do that hes staying w me for tha week so i kinda gotta dont i !?!? rather silly of me im so silly . feeling a bit silly tonight my beloved internet faggots !!!! i dont know whats up w me actually my minds like spinning a wheel to figure out what fucked up thoughts we r gonna have 2nite . leaning towards feeling like im not real and/or species dysphoria . a bit silly !!!!! what will wood can do to a mf